me
it was hard enough for me to muster up enough courage to dip a toe in the water and join in on Misty Mawn’s journaling adventure (along with an amazing group of artists)…but when i went to her blog and discovered she was asking for self portraits i recoiled…
*sigh…i can’t draw…
i started thinking…i could default into my comfort zone and snap some photos of myself…or even further retreat by not attempting a self portrait at all…
…or…
…i could choose to try the absolutely least comfortable option…attempt to draw a self portrait with a pencil…a pencil?…um…yes…a pencil…(”the voice” went to work on me almost immediately…”what are you thinking…YOU CANNOT draw”)…
i soothed myself with reassurances that it’s only paper…and paper can easily be torn to pieces…
i pushed past the voice…
so…deep breath…this is my very first self portrait drawn by me and my pencil…i do feel exposed and vulnerable…and at the same time it has proven to be something liberating…i have interpreted myself without a word of criticism in return…yes…the voice is staying pretty quiet…
if you have ever been too intimidated to try a self portrait…or are hearing “the voice” telling you any number of reasons why you shouldn’t try…push past it…the result of the effort doesn’t matter…i learned today that to look at myself and then interpret what i see could bring me to a deeper part of myself in a way i may have never experienced otherwise…
(…and the final jump off the cliff for me is to hit publish and share…)
unseen
a walk in the park with my camera and i am once again drawn to the details…
as i wrote earlier today…photography expands my vision…as if i have grown a whole new set of eyes…making me feel expansive and limitless…tiny growths on a remote trail… as i lie down on the ground to bring them into focus it is as if i am in worship of them…bent down as in prayer, gazing with every bit of my attention…until now they seem to have been unseen…i hold my breath…
click…exhale…smile…gratitude…
welcome new year
new year’s day…a symbol of beginnings…fresh starts…resolutions…trying new things…hoping new hopes…
yet there is still the same sort of haziness i bring to every day and every year…am i really living centered in my heart’s purpose…and would i even recognize what that would feel like…?
there is a passion in my heart longing for expression…through words…through art…and yet it so often can still feel blurry…to create a sentence…to snap a photograph…to paint…the result rarely feels to me as if i have hit “it”…and yet “it” is so hard to express…even to myself…
when Misty Mawn posted an invitation to join her for 31 days of art journaling i knew i wanted to participate with her and those others who so graciously joined in to share their own creative journey…immediately my inner voice went into action…the voice of doubt…the voice of uneasiness…the voice of “i am not talented enough”…knowing how difficult it can be for me to feel satisfied with anything i do…ever the critic…
which is precisely why today i stuck my toe in the water and asked her if i could please join in…i wonder what an art journal means to me…when i see the journal pages of other artists it is inevitable for me to compare myself to them and find myself coming up short…i think i need to ease off myself and my expectations…the heart sees nothing to criticize…
so i don’t know exactly what form my art journaling is going to take each day this month…i think i really need to give myself room to throw out the rules and expectations…whether it means a day of writing…a day of photography…a day of nothing…a day of painting…a day of doodling…anything goes…
new year…new perspective…hopefully some improvement in clarity along the way…
harvest of hearts
in the final hours of another year passing, this is my final december view…i am contented and grateful…with a bountiful harvest of amazing new friendships in the creative community…and a heart full of life and love…it is with hope and excitement that i welcome a new season of sharing, healing and emerging…
happy new year :)
looking back looking forward
this photo was taken just after sunset at Corona del Mar beach…i had intended to make it there by sunset but just missed it…the colors and the clear view were spectacular nonetheless…
…as the sun sets on another year i find it is a time of both reflection and looking forward…a time of sorrow and a time of celebration…a time of tears and a time of laughter…a time of memories and a time of moving on…a time of gratitude and a time of hope…a time of forgiveness and a time of peace…a time of fresh perspective and a time of living from the heart…a time of letting go and a time of holding on…a time to ignore and a time to take a stand…a time of remembrance and a time of appreciation…a time to retreat and a time to advance…a time of silence and a time of singing…
and always it is a time for creating…and a time for love
holiday wishes
…what if the last time you saw or spoke to someone you loved was the last time?…would your parting have been different from the one you had?…would you have looked into their eyes just a little bit deeper…would you have lingered in that hug a little bit longer?…would you have said something you have been holding back…an “i love you” or “i appreciate you”…or “thank you for being you”…?
many years my family has spent a holiday with one or another family member ending up in the hospital…not the kind of family tradition anyone would plan for…
this year it was christmas eve…and as i sat in the little waiting room with my mom and the tired little christmas tree the hospital had put up for those who found themselves there instead of attending one celebration or another, it felt like deja vu…we had done this before…always a different waiting room but the feeling nonetheless familiar…why were we here…again…
the day was very long and stressful but fortunately all went well despite a few bumps here and there along the way…
as i left the hospital to help finish plans for christmas day i had another familiar feeling…i looked around and noticed everyone was moving so fast to rush and get somewhere to do something so seemingly important…the world was whirling by…at the same time i felt caught up in the vortex of activity i also felt sort of suspended in slow motion…
…thankfully, christmas was spent at my parent’s home with everyone present and safe and warm and close together…there was a lightheartedness to it that came with the unspoken gratitude for a day that could have turned out very differently…there was appreciation of the value of the life we are given, both of our own and of those we love and who love us…and also a bit of melancholy mixed in for the inevitable effects of time passing by and the vulnerability and fragility it brings…
i hope your holiday has brought you closer to all your heart holds precious…
one night before christmas
fashion island in newport beach, ca…a 115-foot christmas tree is the centerpiece…cut in such a way that it never falls to the forest floor…preventing damage to itself and the other trees around it…20 tons and over 23,000 lights…
yes…115 feet!
the ornaments are enormous…some bulbs bigger than my head
even the palm trees look festive…
the koi pond was mostly dark with just one or two lights…with my poor eyesight (and as usual without my glasses)…imagine my surprise when i saw these!
i think they got a bit irritated at me…
they’re just so lovely…i couldn’t help myself
a couple more and i’ll leave you to your dreams…
a deserted balboa pavilion…so strange not to see any people at the usually packed tourist stop…
though emptied of their crowds at night, the energy of every person lingers in these places…you can still feel it as the deserted buildings let out a long restful sigh…closing their eyes until the next day when they will be filled once again…brought to life…to soak in the essence we bring to them…keeping our secrets and recording our individual stories…like an akashic record of every person who passes through…
one night before christmas…in southern california…
suspended
watching the world whirling by…i stop…suspended inside myself i wonder what the hurry is all about…where is it i am trying so hard to get to so fast…how effortless it seems to be carried away in the flow…but then to just stop…to notice…to simply look at where i am right now…there is so much all around me all the time…do i even see it?…all the time in the world…to breathe…to accept…to be
grandma’s gold cross
a time for giving…a time for sharing…a time for creating…a time for remembering…a time for slowing down…
this gold cross belonged to my grandmother…my mom was going to buy a new chain for it…over the weekend i beaded this for her instead…
with a full heart i linger inside the sweet memories of my grandma and holidays and baking and loving and laughing and being…
mirror in a leaf
where veins and capillaries flow like open highways, and nourished cells glow as tiny christmas lights…an aorta runs the center; the great distributor connecting to the heart…as i hold the tiny leaf in my hand it occurs to me i am gazing into a mirror