the difference
there are days filled with moments
i wish i could capture
and save them for a rainy day
these are moments
vibrant with color
there are days filled with moments
where time couldn’t move any slower
when it seems like
it takes everything i have
just to breathe
all of these days
made up of all these moments
define a lifetime
some of them gray
some of them ebullient with color
and mostly
what i find
when i so choose
is
somewhere in the center
all of these moments
coexist
in harmony
after all
without the contrasts
how would i ever know
the difference
peace inside the storm
so much of the time over the last 5 or so years i’ve felt lost at sea… trapped in a storm of thoughts and feelings and confusion and hurts… wading through the pain of the deepest losses of my life, and an ongoing escalation of chronic health problems that have been with me for more than 20 years… i felt like i had lost myself somewhere and had no idea where to look to find myself again… there are times i convinced myself there is no peace inside the storm… no eye of the hurricane… that it’s all just turmoil, and darkness, and suffering… seemingly with no end in sight… if you ever saw the movie The Perfect Storm, it has been like that… one giant wave after another after another after another… i never knew it was possible to cry as hard as i have over these last years… an ocean of tears…
but really, it is true that thoughts and feelings are fleeting… it is true they are transient… sometimes the length of time isn’t to our liking… and yet so much of the time there is more that i can do through examination of those thoughts and feelings that i simply don’t choose to do… without examination (and subsequent awareness) thoughts and feelings can convince you they are here to stay, and that there is nothing more important than feeling this feeling or thinking this thought (and clinging ever more tightly to them)…it is a choice to leave these thoughts and feelings unexamined… and without question…
the truth repeatedly reveals itself as my path to peace… the path is paved with many potholes, hills, valleys, deserts, icebergs, and also meadows… it means choosing to do very difficult work… being willing to go all the way into the truth and see inside myself in ways i have never seen before, and haven’t been willing to see before… not with judgment and condemnation, but with honesty and open eyes… it is up to me how deep i am willing to go…
there is peace inside every storm… and surprisingly, it isn’t as far away as i might believe when i am being thrown around, this way and that way, back and forth, up and down… it only requires a subtle shift in the direction of my own awareness… turning my eyes in a different direction and giving my attention back to the truth… peace isn’t always what i might think it is… it is much more… it is always true…
this journal page is a reminder… there isn’t necessarily a way around a storm… but there is always a peace inside of it… open my eyes… open my heart… be willing to go deeper into the truth…and i am there…
extra-ordinary
it’s really a lot of fun to pay attention to the different kinds of shapes and patterns i am exposed to every day… it’s so easy to miss so much art that is out there all around… the same gate you walk past every day or the same manhole cover… given a second glance you see something really beautiful…
there was something i really liked about this pattern when i first saw it on a gate somewhere… so it ended up as a doodle in my notebook… and
with the help of Photoshop, Lazertran for inkjet printers, and some stone tiles from the local home improvement store, these colorful coasters now sit on the coffee table…
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did you see art in the ordinary today?
luminosity
there is a moment when
in the corner of an eye
you catch a glimpse
of a luminous heaven
as your face turns
toward the light
like a moth to a flame
(or love at first sight)
there is a brief moment
when you see
eternity is now
and the sweetness you taste
is freedom
beneath your beliefs
or thoughts
or anxieties
or disappointments
or hurts
there is something
you can’t quite explain
a vastness
a timeless void
of joy
it is a place
inside your heart
that is known
most simply as
the truth
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celebrating dad
dad...
you have a brilliant, curious mind that can just figure stuff out .. you have maintained an innocence of heart throughout 81 years of living and some pretty tough times … your artistic talent has always amazed me, and though i now cherish the few sketches we do have, i can’t help but wish there had been more…
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dad…
thank you for…
the day you took the training wheels off my bicycle… i was really scared… the feeling of instability on the sidewalk made me wonder if i would ever be able to ride a bicycle on two wheels instead of four… it didn’t take that long for me to want to give up in defeat… but luckily you were there with an idea … let’s try riding on the grass first… the grass would provide traction and more surface area for the tire to be touching the ground… it would also hurt a whole lot less to fall… so, while you held on to the back of the seat of my bicycle i finally found some courage, took my feet off the ground and pedaled my first cycle… i really could do it!
thank you for…
the day you pulled that tooth that didn’t want to let go… it had been loose and sore for a long time, and it refused to come out… i couldn’t even wiggle it around any more without a lot of pain… i was afraid… there you were… with an idea… you took a piece of dental floss, formed a loop around the piece of my tooth that was hanging on to the gum, and slowly and gently closed the loop, essentially squeezing the tooth off at that root… i closed my eyes… and never felt a thing… the tooth came right out… not even a moment of pain…
thank you for…
teaching me by example to respect all of life… even now with your own physical challenges, you still pull struggling bumblebees out of your backyard pool and return them to the garden…
thank you for…
your provision, work ethic, lessons, challenges, and for inspiring my own curiosity for how things work…
thank you for…
being there with support at the darkest hours of heartache and sickness and loss… and also in moments of triumph and accomplishment… even through the sometimes tumultuous moments that mark our history together, i know you have always been in my corner…
thank you for all of this, and so much more…
happy Father’s Day dad…
i love you
xo
through the viewfinder
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creativity thrives on opening my eyes… seeing things in new and different ways, from different angles, with fresh vision and an open mind… it is a mirror for seeing things inside myself… when i am willing to cast my vision toward myself in different directions and from different angles and perspectives, i see better the ways i distort my vision of myself… so critical, so harsh, so much self doubt…
make an adjustment to look this way instead of that way and i can see myself in a new way… it really doesn’t even take that much effort on my part…i discover that shining the light of awareness on all spots is critical in becoming a lover of the truth — all of the truth — not just the parts i choose to see out of habit or comfort or denial, not just the parts i see in order to confirm my self doubts.. but ALL of the different parts…
i find there glimpses of healing of my self-imposed separation from a higher perspective… the separation which only serves the cause of my own suffering… in the constant effort to move my vision toward the light of truth instead of away from it, ultimately i will come into communion and wholeness… self acceptance… and love…
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thank you to my dad and to my brother for loaning me this precious Rolleiflex camera… as i practice and learn techniques shooting through the viewfinder of the Rolleiflex using my digital camera, it is a marriage of perspective between the old and the new, and has brought me new vision with another lens through which to see…
perspective
when you hear your recorded voice are you surprised by what you hear? … do you ever look at yourself in a photograph and on the one hand you know it’s you and on the other hand you don’t recognize yourself? …
do you know who you are?
do you ever wonder where thoughts come from? … do you think your thoughts originate from your brain?… or have you ever wondered if thoughts are passing through your brain coming from… somewhere?
do you see thoughts? … do you hear them?… do thoughts appear to you as images… as words?…
have you have ever grabbed onto a thought or two that spoke to you about your limitations rather than your limitlessness?
if this artist ever experienced those kinds of limiting thoughts, he evidently didn’t linger with them for long…
an offering
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at one time or another she was a wild sea nymph, a demure princess, an openhearted romantic, a hopeful bride, a free-spirited fairy, a devoted disciple, a rejected outcast, a lost little girl, a wandering gypsy, a hopeless brokenhearted mourner … i have been (and am) all of them…
(in her case, there is a lot unseen… buried under layers of paint …)
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we all have masks we wear every day, and even have different ones for different occasions…
these are beautifully depicted…
pins of light
the gray gloomy days this time of year make it a joy to catch glimpses of the sun, even if it is just a moment or two in time for it to set… this single pink flower was lying in a bush all alone with no other flowers around… it seemed out of place, as if it had been carried on the wind far away from its home and then put down in this strange and foreign place, like Dorothy coming down from the sky and finding herself in Oz… it seemed so delicate and vulnerable with its tender, ruffled, pink petals…
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i’ve been curled up inside myself this last week… flareups of pain tend to do that… tend to make things simpler… i kind of feel like i’m in a haze… appreciating the small things more… noticing a universe inside the smallest things…
i also feel sort of suspended, wondering why in the world everyone is in such a rush to get somewhere … maybe we could spare a moment or two just to say hello …?
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(more than) a few of my favorite things…
the first sip of orange juice in the morning
being naked, physically and emotionally
conversations with hummingbirds
fluttering with butterflies
swinging on the park swing instead of just walking by
cotton candy
hugging trees (for real)
walking barefoot in the sand
feeling my long hair on my back
giggling
singing in the car with the sunroof open
long walks
holding hands
inviting plants to live with me
making art
the way a book feels in my hands while i’m reading
breaking out of my comfort zone
the smell of breakfast cooking in a diner
looking up at the stars and recognizing Orion
snuggling
watching old movies
twirling in a dress
learning something new
the sounds of the ocean
encouraging and helping others
hugs
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and you?
let’s play
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are you remembering to play?